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Matt Gilbert text joke collection...(argh)
This is a collection of text jokes I have collected over time, if you are thin skinned or easily offended please click your browsers back button now

St. Peter at the Gates

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and
they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly
gates past St. Peter.
St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you
ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly
replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in
The Holy Water and pass through the gate.
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well
once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the
line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the
front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle
that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks
her ass in it."


Canadian Chewing Gum

An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants,
bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
The  American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a
  Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
  American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
  Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, We
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian 
a smirk on his face.
  The American listens in silence.
  The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
  American: "Of Course."
  Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We
  In  Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to the states."
  The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" Canadian: "Why
of  course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.
  American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
  Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
  American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.


A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big
woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke,
you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and 
I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman
sitting next to me is 6' 2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an
ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5", 
weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. 
Now, do you still want
to tell that blond joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "No, not if I'm
gonna  have to explain it three times.


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice
for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to
her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her
husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

 She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as
 a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"



 She thought a quarterback was a refund.

 She tripped over the cordless phone.

 She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

 She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

 At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here,"she put

 If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

 When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home,she moved.

 Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
 It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

 What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
 "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

 Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
 Because it said "concentrate."

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
 They're too hard to retrain.

 What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
 A dope ring.

 Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
 Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

 What's the definition of eternity?
 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

 What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
 An air pocket.

 What do you call a basement full of blondes?
 A whine cellar.

 Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
 "Toes goes in front"
 What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of cheerios?
 "OH, Look!! Donut seeds!!


 The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having 
a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever
 can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

 The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
 She says, "That's not creative."
 Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver
 alone......cheese mine."


The boss  was in a crunch and had to lay 
one of his employees off.  Both Jack and Mary were good, dedicated hard 
working employees, and he was just sick about having to let one go.
He finally got up his resolve and went to Mary...he said "I have a 
terrible problem, and it grieves me to tell you, but I have to either 
lay you or Jack off.
Mary says..."go ahead and jack off, I have a headache"


A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He
replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."  There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.  He then
closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.  She was laughing too
hard to start her car for several minutes.


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  She went
to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs forher to do.  "Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that
the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.  The man's
wife,inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should.  She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and
I hadpaint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in hispocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
that's not  a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Kennedy - Lincoln Similarities

Here's a little part of US history which makes you wonder

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth,was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald,was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.


Elephant Stew
1 medium elephant
300 fresh tomatoes
3 gardens of celery
2 rabbbits (optional)
flour, salt, pepper, and water
Cut elephant into bite sized pieces with a small paring knife. This 
should take about two months.
Flour the pieces and add salt and pepper to taste. Bring in a very large 
pot of water to boil on a wood stove.
This will serve 2,936 people. If more are expected, add the rabbits, but 
only if necessary. After all, most people don't like to find hare in 
their soup.


Subject: General Motors versus Microsoft

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would
cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have
to re-install the engine.

  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five  times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five percent of the roads.

7. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going on.

  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turn the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

  9. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to
learn how  to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


> > One night, Tom drank 6 beers. When he finished the 6th, the
> > doorbell rang. Tom answered it to find a 6-foot cockroach.
> > The cockroach threw Tom across the room and left.
> >
> > The next night, after his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. It
> > was the 6-foot cockroach again. It punched Tom in the
> > stomach and walked away.
> >
> > The next night Tom had one beer. The doorbell rang and Tom
> > slowly opened the door and saw the giant roach. It kneed
> > him in the groin, and elbowed him in the back of the head.
> > As Tom doubled over in pain, it left.
> >
> > The following night, Tom didn't drink any beer. But the
> > 6-foot roach came back again. This time he just plain beat
> > the living tar out of Tom and walked away.
> >
> > The next day, Tom went to the doctor.
> > "What can I do, Doc?," he asked.
> >
> > The doctor replied, "There's nothing you can do. It's just
> > a nasty bug that's going around."


Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got
another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."


In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work
the IRS.  Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

                                  TRAGEDY ??!!
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today, and
when he visited one of the 4th grade classes, they were in the middle of
a discussion related to words and their meanings.  The teacher asked the
President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy."  So, our illustrious leader asked the 
class for an example of a tragedy.  One little boy stood up and offered, 
"My best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street, and a 
car came along and ran over him.  That would be a tragedy."

"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand.  "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a

"I'm afraid not," explained the President.  "That's what we would
call a great loss."

The room grew silent.  No other children would volunteer an answer.

President Clinton searched the room.  "Isn't there someone here who can 
give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand.  In a
quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton,
were struck  by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a

"Fantastic," exclaimed Clinton.  "That's right.  And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well, " said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"


Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to
have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."        __   /   \   __
                                                   (  `'.\   /.'`  )
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."                '-._.(;;;)._.-'
                                                    .-'  ,`"`,  '-.
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll       (__.-'/   \'-.__)
hit you with an age discrimination suit so              \   /\
fast it'll make your head spin."                         '-'  \
                                                           ,    |
...To which they all turn to look at the                  |\   |
helpless young, white, male employee, who                 \ |  |
thinks a moment, then responds:                            | \ /
                                                            \|/    _,

I think I might be gay..."                                  /  __/ /

Boy:  Dad, what's politics?
 Dad:  Let me set an example with our family.  I have all the money so
we'll  call me the management.  Mom receives most of it so we'll call
her the  government.  We'll call the maid the working class, you are the
people,  and  your baby brother is the future.  Do you understand now
 Boy:  I still don't understand Dad.
 Dad:  Think about it for a while son.  That night the boy wakes up
because  his baby brother is crying.  he goes in and finds out he soiled
his diaper.
 He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room
but she's in there having sex with his Dad.  He bangs on the door but no
one  can hear him.  The next day.........
Son:  Dad I understand politics now.
Dad:  Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son:  The management is screwing the working class while the
government's fast asleep.  The people are being ignored and the future
is full of  SHIT!!!!!!!


A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel
go have strenuous sex all afternoon.  He's not used to the pace, so he
falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until 8:30 at night.  The
sex again, and then the man realizes it's time to go home.  He says to
his secretary, "take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them
through the grass and mud.  Puzzled, the secretary complies.  When the 
man gets home about 9:30pm his wife confronts him and asks where he's been.
The man says "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my
secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home."  The woman
down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing
golf again!"


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